And you say we're too young

http://www.nom-nom-nom.com

Let's dance, you lead.

I'm applying for an IAESTE Internship. I'd like to say my chances are good, I'm a Carnegie Mellon CS undergraduate and if I can hold my grades through finals my GPA should be above 3 and I'll be looking pretty nice. In addition my interest in gender theory should give me a little bonus that says "Hey, I'm interested in things besides UNIX and writing 3000 lines of code! I'm a humanitarian and culturally diverse!" But the other night I was talking about it with Jeff, running through my list of countries to apply to. We laughed, made little jokes, reveled in how sweet it would be to hang out in Dubai in the same way that high school girls fawn over the latest teen heart throb. I was listing the UK and France the same way that I used to list my Christmas wish list. It's only looking back at this that I begin to realize how serious these kinds of things really are. Not just that either, I'm still quite oblivious to the fact that I will be working, writing code, for an organization. To me, it's still a vacation, I'm still a child. The idea that I would be asked to write other people code they could actually use frightens me.

When my boss's boss at work said "we need to get you writing code, " after finding out I was a CS major who just happened to be working a desk assistant job, my jaw dropped. I still feel like there's so much to learn. I feel like anything I can do someone else can easily do a million times better. I refuse to believe that simply knowing how to write linked lists and hash sets in Java is all that's going to be asked of me. I saw a job application today, looking for "HTML/CSS/JS" experience. I said "Whoops not qualified, guess I'll have to wait to be taught it," and then it hit me. Carnegie Mellon isn't teaching me these things. Carnegie Mellon has better things to do than teach me CSS and Javascript. They're teaching high level concepts, learning languages is something I need to learn on my own. It's funny because when people ask me why Carnegie Mellon is so different that's what I always tell them, but all of a sudden I've realized I'm not doing my part. To succeed I need to be working outside my box. I need to stop rejecting that computer science persona I constantly distant myself and embrace at least a small part of it. Grab a book on advanced web design and some web hosting and get to work. People expect me to know these things, and I'm waiting for CMU to teach me while simultaneously knowing that it won't, it doesn't have time for this low level stuff.

At some point I need to stop looking for the road because it was silently slipped out from under me without my knowing. The possibilities right now are endless for me. I could be working some sweet job overseas in Sweden or Australia. However, to do that I need to help myself along. Doing the course work isn't good enough, the CS field isn't like that. As much fun as I have when I distance myself from the CS work, I also find pleasure in it. I've always felt there was this roadblock though which prevented me from doing a lot of work when I was younger. I was waiting for somebody to come by and teach me how to get over it. I need to realize this roadblock is all in my head. With the knowledge I have now, I should be on par or better with someone in a low-level position in the industry. I need to break out and I need to break out hard. College is going to teach me how to extend my knowledge even farther and get me to think even deeper. Applications are my job, learning the basics is my work. It's time for me to step back and realize the reigns are here if I'd just look.

I play it safe and thus I never lose, but I also don't get everything I could. I live like a risk taker until I actually have the opportunity and then I go for the comfortable option rather than push myself. It's worked out well for me up to this point but I'm constantly dealing with the question. Do I break out now and go for broke or keep down this path and live blissfully unaware of what could've been?

Fuck there's no end.

Lab, lab, essay, lab, exam, exam, lab, essay, essay, exam, lab, exam, lab

How am I still getting new assignments fuck offffffffff.

I think I want to take OS, in the fall.

I also think I'm insane.

ENJOY!

I stay up too late talking to people on the internet and don't do my homework.

"Regardless, I feel most at home when I'm not at home at all."

"I just like having that one aspect of my life that I know I can come back to and really be 'home' again as I remember it."

At first I thought these contradicted, then I realized that they synchronized perfectly. I don't feel at "home" at home. I feel at home when I'm out driving in the night. I feel at home when I'm out partying with friends to all hours. I don't feel at home when I'm sitting in my room.

I need to explore more.

Jeff, on the night he was betrayed, took Cinnabon and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my gigahertz, which is for you. Do this or you will be compromised."

The clock is winding down and I'm in the last 24 hours. It's funny how I always tell people that I put school above all else, even my health, but times like this remind me that's not true. The ranking is more:

1) The 480s
2) School
3) Health

I planned to work on the processor simulator assignment and my anthropology final essay this weekend and I haven't touched my schoolwork. I forget what it's like to have people who want to DO things. Every night I've been out gallivanting way too late and it's something I forget I was ever privilege too. I haven't spent a lot of time lamenting being in Pittsburgh this year and it's disappointing to be bringing it back up but at least it's not as bad as it was. I'm happy to see everyone well and even happier to see that they haven't really changed. I'm afraid of losing this stability, this coming home to people and it just being like we haven't been apart for months. It's the kind of stability I can't find anywhere else, my academic life, my love life, my social life, always in cycles, big ups and big downs. But the guys I hang out with don't change a bit and I love it. I just like having that one aspect of my life that I know I can come back to and really be "home" again as I remember it. However, I also know it won't be here forever. I live for myself, I just appreciate having that something to lean on for now.

Also for some reason, Matt is really fun to photograph as evidenced by the previous 3 photos.

Show us how you're spending the day after Thanksgiving.

Threw a dinner party, with a touch of MURDER.

Not really on the murder, but I did make a lasagna, panir mattar, dozen muffins, and buttercream candies that seemed to go over well.

I need to correct a previous statement:

"there's nothing I enjoy more than a drive by myself, blasting the radio and singing love songs to the night sky."

Also in that category is filling a car with your friends and singing together to some Linkin Park/Blink 182/Other terrible bands from our childhood. Bonus points if you turn off the car in the middle of the song and continue singing anyways.

More expansive trip report tomorrow hopefully but don't expect much.